it's been nearly 2yrs since i prepare myself for this.....to get into a uni.

the amount of research and struggles i went through..delays after delays, rejections acceptance only to reject again.....

Finally, i decided on a uni, with honours, getting exempted a yr. it seems like the most feasible one. I researched on loans, scholarships...and i finally am eligible to apply with 2 guarantors.

Previously, i got degraded, insulted about my actions, about how im selfish, how i didnt think about the family from that someone who refused to help.

For once, i thought things were going smoothly. But today i found out, there's been an issue. my mum decided not to use of the guarantors, to avoid any obligations.

Of course, i understand that..of course i do...but there's more to it. i need to go home and find that out.

The thought of begging that someone to be my guarantor, again,,the one who degraded me..it sucks. But i guess i have no choice left. It sucks really badly...

struggles after struggles..to the point i felt like if this is the one for me. am i right to choose this difficult path. is this worth it? i ask myself every other day if all this is gonna be worth it anyway.

i found myself saying yes...this is what i wanted. nothing else interests me.

at this point, i guess all i could do is pray. continuously pray that it's the right one, even if it's this difficult. maybe there's something out there that will help me soon enough. maybe i can loan less because of this...

it's really..such a downer.....but i wont give up yet.

I remembered the last time i cried so hard was when i got my olvl results...it was that disappointing. But this time...i thought i could handle it...i mean it's expected i did prepare myself for rejections...but somehow it hit me really hard at night and before i could stop myself, tears were flowing out...non-stop. It just felt like a stabbing pain in my heart. I was just really sad and disappointed....i dont know... But pouring it all out kinda made me feel a bit better. Funny how it just flows out while im watching a drama and it was not even a sad scene. I guess the whole day i tried too hard to be okay drowning myself on the computer.....

I'll get over it soon... they say once you passed that stage of  "grieving", you'll be good later on. On a side note, i should post on my graduation day soon. That'll will cover this emo post hahaha

Month of May

OMG HI.....

It's been 2 months since i last updated. So....let's see. Had a great sat morning out with Nadia. It was impromptu and we had McD brekkie PANCAKESSSS and J.co's Froyo, her treat hahahah. I should treat her instead but i haven't got my pay yet so i is a broke girl. It was nice to spend time together, just the two of us even though it was quite a short one. And yeah it's been so long since i last met her properly missed her so much. We missed each other...awwwww hahaha. With those little fights we had and stuff, well you can't avoid that when you both have your own life now and didn't see each other that much...but i guess that's what made our bond stronger. Still those 2 quirky weirdos xD

And sooo...I've gotten myself a job and it's been a month already. Getting my pay this coming tuesday hoorayyyyyy. And my bbgs are all working even Tassha hahaha so proud of all of us. Not slacking but working :).

Work can be anal sometimes but the only reason i'm hanging on is because my supervisor is nice and i found myself a bunch of nice colleagues. Unfortunately..i found myself back to where i was last time when i first start poly.....i can't seem to talk normally to a guy. I can't start a convo..it feels awkward and unfamiliar...i don't know what happened. I thought that phase was over, it's been 3 years for god's sake. Oh dear..... But that didn't really affect me that much  because in times of desperation i know i will somehow work it out lol.

I'm still finding jobs actually, related jobs and permanent positions. It's scary to start work properly honestly. I still want to continue study of course..but at the looks of it..I think this year might not be for me. I won't give up and will try to appeal and apply next year or so.....But i'll be lying if i say i'm not affected by it because i'm all prepared for this outcome. Yeah i am prepared, and i do have a plan, but how i wish i won't have to go with Plan B. And Plan C of going overseas.......how long do i need to work before i can afford to go study something that i've recently found myself to be passionate of. I can however..only hope that somehow things will work the way i wished and if it doesn't...it's most probably because God has a different path for me. It's depressing but i won't let it affect me that much.All the best!

Till next time~ Hoping for good news soon yeah. Oh! Grad's in 2 weeks sexcited much~~

Done

Well  look who's done with school, like FINALLY!!

I think I've put in the most effort to study for final exams this last sem. Hahah the feeling of accomplishment after yesterday's paper. I was so glad and grateful that i've selected the correct topics to focus on..because there's like tons of theory and my brain can't handle it so study smart.

So...now what?

Congrats to me for applying for a few jobs. But i'm not expecting anything yet and i shall spend this coming week catching up on dramas, some reading (i miss reading, it's been too long) and maybe try to get more fit and lose this belly fattttttt.

Hopefully i get a job in the coming weeks to support myself and also help my mum a bit and save up as well. I can't possibly be depending on my mum for my money and laze around. So that motivation to find a part time job is still there. I think i've been doing various part time jobs, it's like a routine to find one endlessly during my break. I will feel restless and incomplete with no money in my bank when i have no school whatsoever.

Praying everyday that results will gonna be okay and positive for both poly and admission..............

We're slowly ending our little journey

15 Feb 2013 marked the end of MP. The end of frustrations and anxiety..........with a bright note. This overwhelming happiness, this great feeling that i've been searching for. It only occurred after the presentation, when we stepped out of that room. That sigh of relief, that feeling when you know you did your best...and that smile plastered on your face as you know things went well. It was the best day i would say.

As much as I complained or dreaded doing MP most of the time mainly because of our sup, I enjoyed the time spent the whole sem with my two mates tassha and sab for this project. I cant be more thankful to have them as my group mates. I don't think i would be able to lead the group if not for them. I admit, i'm not a great leader and i sometimes slack my way through. But because we helped each other, it is possible. Most of the time, i'm just a leader in name. Kudos to them for being such cooperative members :))

I am really proud of us. The amount of shitloads we went through, we managed to scrape through and produce a quality work (ahem2x self-proclaimed xD) But heyyyy with the amount of information we provided, it should be considered one!

 Without these awesome girls, my poly wouldn't be as enjoying as it had been the past 3 years. I really love them to bits even though i don't really show it. You guys should know hahah

Not to forget our only 3 boys in the class. They've been bullies and dorks but they made the class so much more fun. My bros..i love you guys too < 3 

A10A2 < 3

AY 10. Well we do have a lot of people in the cohort

I can't believe it's actually going to end, this chapter of my life, my poly life. After my two papers, i'll only come back to school in may for graduation. Like a blink of the eye, 3 years just went by like that. I changed a lot, personally.This 3 years taught me a lot and it's a mix of feelings to know that it's actually ending. I'm happy im graduating but i'm kinda sad i'm leaving the school and the people. 

It's not exactly the end yet for now.....and i should save all those feelings and write it all out after graduation

Well...on a side note, had waffles after everything~~ nomnomnom

p/s: pics not mine, credits to sabeera :)

                                                             

                                                             

It's been crazy these few weeks...madness actually.

But what she  told me in depth about her dream...that put a smile on my face, it's absurd, funny, unrealistic and funny hahah.

You know how we always watch dramas..i guess we both are too immersed in it that it happened. OTPs....yeah she's my no.1 fan of this non-existent pairing. She ships it so hard she wants it to be real.

You know how we sometimes imagine all this stuff...dating and such and what would happened if it actually becomes real? Well maybe it's just me.....sometimes i do that when im bored before i go to sleep, blame those dramas hahaha.

For someone who never ever experience liking a guy (except for celebs), asked out and those stuff......it's fun to think about it sometimes. But no, im not desperately into finding boyfriends or thinking being single at my age is not normal. I think it's perfectly fine.

But....i do admit i get confused between liking a person and like like a person..see the difference? If i think he's cute, it doesnt necessarily means i like like him....most of the time i just want to be friends. Those type of girl-guy relationship where you can talk about anything and feel comfortable. Not the committed girlfriend boyfriend. Why can't we have a normal friendship hahah. Watching dramas, i think the sweetest relationship are those type. Isnt it nice to have a guy whom you find such ease to talk with

And yeah....it's really nice to have a conversation with you. We don't talk that often but when we do, i like how it just flows out nicely. But it is a pity that we both are the shy type, so unless we sit beside each other or met up after lects...we wont talk.

Hahahah, just a random thought.......people be talking, i be thinking..i think i watch too much dramas that's why.

I cant believe im typing all these out, but this is fun

p/s: we should probably sit down one day and just have a talk..that would be nice 

My heart broke into a million pieces when she said they're going to replace it after all..........all my,our efforts to produce a logo that's visible

For a moment, it was mental breakdown for me....and I am still recovering from it.

If I knew, I wouldn't spend so much time on it....

It hurts...it hurts so badly, ouch

Do you know how lonely it can get for me....

It's just a feeling of emptiness....

It's mentally draining....

It's tiring....

Why do i always end up having to give in, initiate......can't i just be on the receiving side sometimes..?

Am i being too emotional, am  i asking too much care....

Is it wrong to feel this way...

Maybe i am just very tired from everything..

After tons of attempts to meet up. After months of planning, at last we found a date where most of us can make it. Chalet was cancelled so in the end, we rented the bbq pit and decided to have a reunion food session there..06/01/13

It was a success, unexpectedly haha. Because most of the time, only ~15 would make it, but this time round more than 20 came down :) With the generous Nir treating us with wholesale bbq food, Im's homemade marinated wings by her mum, packs of marshmallows, my cupcakes and Masyitah's...it was a food festival!

It was just really overwhelming happiness meeting up with these bunch or dorky people hahaha. It's been so long since we have a proper meetup and not clique meetup >.<. After all these years, we still are the same when we're together the kecohness and craziness are just like last time.

From 4pm to nearly 630pm, we spent there trying to lit up a fire lol. The wind was against us, the fire starter sucks. It was nearly 7pm when we managed to bbq foods. We were already starving and food were just starting to cook. As usual, everytime there's a bbq, i'll be the one cooking and testing the chicken wings, making sure it's cooked properly to be eaten hahah.

Laughter and reminiscence filled up the entire atmosphere throughout. We even prayed there, totally made ourselves at home. We laid a mat and took turns and some jemaah to pray. It was just a cute and beautiful  scene. Made me miss those times when we will lay out all the praying mats and pray together in class.

Apparently, i am the "girl who sits at concourse in front of her laptop/discussing with a group of freinds"...hahah i cant even they made it as if i dont have a life.....well in sch i guess i dont. And Nadia with her excuse of "spring cleaning ______". We are all forever "front-stabbing" each other. Good times~

These bunch of people that i met for 7 years and some for 15 years (fr p1), it's amazing how we still manage to keep in contact until now. Some are in London, Cairo, Malaysia..each furthering their studies and continuing their journey towards their dream and success. While the rest of us are continuing our studies here in our homeland.

Friends till the end? Yes, i wished for that. I hope we can continue on even when we're all successful in our paths InsyaAllah.

More outings soon pls~~ I love the time spent even though i had class the next morning and didnt have enough sleep xD

The year is going to end. 2013...should be a fresh new beginning, i guess.

Honestly, it's kinda scary for me. I have yet to make concrete decisions. I do have a plan for next year but, planning so much..you dont even know what's going to happen later on.

My dream....was to study overseas and get my degree, continue masters later on if possible. But, in my situation, as much as i know there's a higher chance for me to be accepted in various uni in Australia or UK compared to Singapore, i cant. Financially, i am unable to. And so, i've planned to try my best to get into SIT and then work....if no SIT, means i'll work for 2 years and study abroad (which i hope not).

But in life, you can plan so much without any definite results. That's why i hate making decisions and planning so ahead of time. Higher expectations would only mean more disappointment, and i dont want that.

I hate to say this...to be honest, i still have my doubts and hesitations about my future job prospective. A nutritionist, a nutrition researcher, a dietitian..? I am interested in writing a cooking book for healthier choices. I would love to bake and make a dessert recipe book  that includes alternatives to make it healthier and such. And i dream of opening a tea and cupcake shop. I have so much in mind, but i dont know which one..maybe do both at once? hahah like a fun~

To think about the future is a must, but i love living enjoying the present hahah. So currently, living in present and thriving for the best in what im doing right now is my priority. Well, sometimes it does sucks when things just screw up and your efforts are neglected but that's life, right.

I hope for a happy and successful 2013. I pray for the best, for myself, my family and my friends. May the force be with us!~~ ^_^