it's been nearly 2yrs since i prepare myself for this.....to get into a uni.

the amount of research and struggles i went through..delays after delays, rejections acceptance only to reject again.....

Finally, i decided on a uni, with honours, getting exempted a yr. it seems like the most feasible one. I researched on loans, scholarships...and i finally am eligible to apply with 2 guarantors.

Previously, i got degraded, insulted about my actions, about how im selfish, how i didnt think about the family from that someone who refused to help.

For once, i thought things were going smoothly. But today i found out, there's been an issue. my mum decided not to use of the guarantors, to avoid any obligations.

Of course, i understand that..of course i do...but there's more to it. i need to go home and find that out.

The thought of begging that someone to be my guarantor, again,,the one who degraded me..it sucks. But i guess i have no choice left. It sucks really badly...

struggles after struggles..to the point i felt like if this is the one for me. am i right to choose this difficult path. is this worth it? i ask myself every other day if all this is gonna be worth it anyway.

i found myself saying yes...this is what i wanted. nothing else interests me.

at this point, i guess all i could do is pray. continuously pray that it's the right one, even if it's this difficult. maybe there's something out there that will help me soon enough. maybe i can loan less because of this...

it's really..such a downer.....but i wont give up yet.

I remembered the last time i cried so hard was when i got my olvl results...it was that disappointing. But this time...i thought i could handle it...i mean it's expected i did prepare myself for rejections...but somehow it hit me really hard at night and before i could stop myself, tears were flowing out...non-stop. It just felt like a stabbing pain in my heart. I was just really sad and disappointed....i dont know... But pouring it all out kinda made me feel a bit better. Funny how it just flows out while im watching a drama and it was not even a sad scene. I guess the whole day i tried too hard to be okay drowning myself on the computer.....

I'll get over it soon... they say once you passed that stage of  "grieving", you'll be good later on. On a side note, i should post on my graduation day soon. That'll will cover this emo post hahaha

Month of May

OMG HI.....

It's been 2 months since i last updated. So....let's see. Had a great sat morning out with Nadia. It was impromptu and we had McD brekkie PANCAKESSSS and J.co's Froyo, her treat hahahah. I should treat her instead but i haven't got my pay yet so i is a broke girl. It was nice to spend time together, just the two of us even though it was quite a short one. And yeah it's been so long since i last met her properly missed her so much. We missed each other...awwwww hahaha. With those little fights we had and stuff, well you can't avoid that when you both have your own life now and didn't see each other that much...but i guess that's what made our bond stronger. Still those 2 quirky weirdos xD

And sooo...I've gotten myself a job and it's been a month already. Getting my pay this coming tuesday hoorayyyyyy. And my bbgs are all working even Tassha hahaha so proud of all of us. Not slacking but working :).

Work can be anal sometimes but the only reason i'm hanging on is because my supervisor is nice and i found myself a bunch of nice colleagues. Unfortunately..i found myself back to where i was last time when i first start poly.....i can't seem to talk normally to a guy. I can't start a convo..it feels awkward and unfamiliar...i don't know what happened. I thought that phase was over, it's been 3 years for god's sake. Oh dear..... But that didn't really affect me that much  because in times of desperation i know i will somehow work it out lol.

I'm still finding jobs actually, related jobs and permanent positions. It's scary to start work properly honestly. I still want to continue study of course..but at the looks of it..I think this year might not be for me. I won't give up and will try to appeal and apply next year or so.....But i'll be lying if i say i'm not affected by it because i'm all prepared for this outcome. Yeah i am prepared, and i do have a plan, but how i wish i won't have to go with Plan B. And Plan C of going overseas.......how long do i need to work before i can afford to go study something that i've recently found myself to be passionate of. I can however..only hope that somehow things will work the way i wished and if it doesn't...it's most probably because God has a different path for me. It's depressing but i won't let it affect me that much.All the best!

Till next time~ Hoping for good news soon yeah. Oh! Grad's in 2 weeks sexcited much~~

Done

Well  look who's done with school, like FINALLY!!

I think I've put in the most effort to study for final exams this last sem. Hahah the feeling of accomplishment after yesterday's paper. I was so glad and grateful that i've selected the correct topics to focus on..because there's like tons of theory and my brain can't handle it so study smart.

So...now what?

Congrats to me for applying for a few jobs. But i'm not expecting anything yet and i shall spend this coming week catching up on dramas, some reading (i miss reading, it's been too long) and maybe try to get more fit and lose this belly fattttttt.

Hopefully i get a job in the coming weeks to support myself and also help my mum a bit and save up as well. I can't possibly be depending on my mum for my money and laze around. So that motivation to find a part time job is still there. I think i've been doing various part time jobs, it's like a routine to find one endlessly during my break. I will feel restless and incomplete with no money in my bank when i have no school whatsoever.

Praying everyday that results will gonna be okay and positive for both poly and admission..............

We're slowly ending our little journey

15 Feb 2013 marked the end of MP. The end of frustrations and anxiety..........with a bright note. This overwhelming happiness, this great feeling that i've been searching for. It only occurred after the presentation, when we stepped out of that room. That sigh of relief, that feeling when you know you did your best...and that smile plastered on your face as you know things went well. It was the best day i would say.

As much as I complained or dreaded doing MP most of the time mainly because of our sup, I enjoyed the time spent the whole sem with my two mates tassha and sab for this project. I cant be more thankful to have them as my group mates. I don't think i would be able to lead the group if not for them. I admit, i'm not a great leader and i sometimes slack my way through. But because we helped each other, it is possible. Most of the time, i'm just a leader in name. Kudos to them for being such cooperative members :))

I am really proud of us. The amount of shitloads we went through, we managed to scrape through and produce a quality work (ahem2x self-proclaimed xD) But heyyyy with the amount of information we provided, it should be considered one!

 Without these awesome girls, my poly wouldn't be as enjoying as it had been the past 3 years. I really love them to bits even though i don't really show it. You guys should know hahah

Not to forget our only 3 boys in the class. They've been bullies and dorks but they made the class so much more fun. My bros..i love you guys too < 3 

A10A2 < 3

AY 10. Well we do have a lot of people in the cohort

I can't believe it's actually going to end, this chapter of my life, my poly life. After my two papers, i'll only come back to school in may for graduation. Like a blink of the eye, 3 years just went by like that. I changed a lot, personally.This 3 years taught me a lot and it's a mix of feelings to know that it's actually ending. I'm happy im graduating but i'm kinda sad i'm leaving the school and the people. 

It's not exactly the end yet for now.....and i should save all those feelings and write it all out after graduation

Well...on a side note, had waffles after everything~~ nomnomnom

p/s: pics not mine, credits to sabeera :)

                                                             

                                                             

It's been crazy these few weeks...madness actually.

But what she  told me in depth about her dream...that put a smile on my face, it's absurd, funny, unrealistic and funny hahah.

You know how we always watch dramas..i guess we both are too immersed in it that it happened. OTPs....yeah she's my no.1 fan of this non-existent pairing. She ships it so hard she wants it to be real.

You know how we sometimes imagine all this stuff...dating and such and what would happened if it actually becomes real? Well maybe it's just me.....sometimes i do that when im bored before i go to sleep, blame those dramas hahaha.

For someone who never ever experience liking a guy (except for celebs), asked out and those stuff......it's fun to think about it sometimes. But no, im not desperately into finding boyfriends or thinking being single at my age is not normal. I think it's perfectly fine.

But....i do admit i get confused between liking a person and like like a person..see the difference? If i think he's cute, it doesnt necessarily means i like like him....most of the time i just want to be friends. Those type of girl-guy relationship where you can talk about anything and feel comfortable. Not the committed girlfriend boyfriend. Why can't we have a normal friendship hahah. Watching dramas, i think the sweetest relationship are those type. Isnt it nice to have a guy whom you find such ease to talk with

And yeah....it's really nice to have a conversation with you. We don't talk that often but when we do, i like how it just flows out nicely. But it is a pity that we both are the shy type, so unless we sit beside each other or met up after lects...we wont talk.

Hahahah, just a random thought.......people be talking, i be thinking..i think i watch too much dramas that's why.

I cant believe im typing all these out, but this is fun

p/s: we should probably sit down one day and just have a talk..that would be nice 

My heart broke into a million pieces when she said they're going to replace it after all..........all my,our efforts to produce a logo that's visible

For a moment, it was mental breakdown for me....and I am still recovering from it.

If I knew, I wouldn't spend so much time on it....

It hurts...it hurts so badly, ouch

Do you know how lonely it can get for me....

It's just a feeling of emptiness....

It's mentally draining....

It's tiring....

Why do i always end up having to give in, initiate......can't i just be on the receiving side sometimes..?

Am i being too emotional, am  i asking too much care....

Is it wrong to feel this way...

Maybe i am just very tired from everything..

After tons of attempts to meet up. After months of planning, at last we found a date where most of us can make it. Chalet was cancelled so in the end, we rented the bbq pit and decided to have a reunion food session there..06/01/13

It was a success, unexpectedly haha. Because most of the time, only ~15 would make it, but this time round more than 20 came down :) With the generous Nir treating us with wholesale bbq food, Im's homemade marinated wings by her mum, packs of marshmallows, my cupcakes and Masyitah's...it was a food festival!

It was just really overwhelming happiness meeting up with these bunch or dorky people hahaha. It's been so long since we have a proper meetup and not clique meetup >.<. After all these years, we still are the same when we're together the kecohness and craziness are just like last time.

From 4pm to nearly 630pm, we spent there trying to lit up a fire lol. The wind was against us, the fire starter sucks. It was nearly 7pm when we managed to bbq foods. We were already starving and food were just starting to cook. As usual, everytime there's a bbq, i'll be the one cooking and testing the chicken wings, making sure it's cooked properly to be eaten hahah.

Laughter and reminiscence filled up the entire atmosphere throughout. We even prayed there, totally made ourselves at home. We laid a mat and took turns and some jemaah to pray. It was just a cute and beautiful  scene. Made me miss those times when we will lay out all the praying mats and pray together in class.

Apparently, i am the "girl who sits at concourse in front of her laptop/discussing with a group of freinds"...hahah i cant even they made it as if i dont have a life.....well in sch i guess i dont. And Nadia with her excuse of "spring cleaning ______". We are all forever "front-stabbing" each other. Good times~

These bunch of people that i met for 7 years and some for 15 years (fr p1), it's amazing how we still manage to keep in contact until now. Some are in London, Cairo, Malaysia..each furthering their studies and continuing their journey towards their dream and success. While the rest of us are continuing our studies here in our homeland.

Friends till the end? Yes, i wished for that. I hope we can continue on even when we're all successful in our paths InsyaAllah.

More outings soon pls~~ I love the time spent even though i had class the next morning and didnt have enough sleep xD

The year is going to end. 2013...should be a fresh new beginning, i guess.

Honestly, it's kinda scary for me. I have yet to make concrete decisions. I do have a plan for next year but, planning so much..you dont even know what's going to happen later on.

My dream....was to study overseas and get my degree, continue masters later on if possible. But, in my situation, as much as i know there's a higher chance for me to be accepted in various uni in Australia or UK compared to Singapore, i cant. Financially, i am unable to. And so, i've planned to try my best to get into SIT and then work....if no SIT, means i'll work for 2 years and study abroad (which i hope not).

But in life, you can plan so much without any definite results. That's why i hate making decisions and planning so ahead of time. Higher expectations would only mean more disappointment, and i dont want that.

I hate to say this...to be honest, i still have my doubts and hesitations about my future job prospective. A nutritionist, a nutrition researcher, a dietitian..? I am interested in writing a cooking book for healthier choices. I would love to bake and make a dessert recipe book  that includes alternatives to make it healthier and such. And i dream of opening a tea and cupcake shop. I have so much in mind, but i dont know which one..maybe do both at once? hahah like a fun~

To think about the future is a must, but i love living enjoying the present hahah. So currently, living in present and thriving for the best in what im doing right now is my priority. Well, sometimes it does sucks when things just screw up and your efforts are neglected but that's life, right.

I hope for a happy and successful 2013. I pray for the best, for myself, my family and my friends. May the force be with us!~~ ^_^

Most of the time, all the time actually.. i hate to be that person who don't know anyone, don't know what's going on...just ignorant of everything.

It's not like i want to be ignorant....and i do want to find out who/what/where/why. It's just that sometimes,things just get way over, i'm too outdated and then...i start giving up to find out more.

It's tiring for me to keep asking as much as people keep explaining to me.

But yeah....it is my fault for not being attentive in the beginning. I know....and i've been trying hard to be part of everything. So don't ever think i never even thought about it, never take the initiative whatsoever, i do care. Even i hate myself for being such an insensitive, ignorant person......i don't even know what's wrong with me.

Yesterday was the last day of term tests~~

As much as I 'suffered' during the day trying to stuff my brain with the crack load full of information, the paper was doable, everything that i went through came out, alhamdulillah :)

Spent the rest of the day with bestie, watched "A Werewolf Boy" . A movie I've been dying to watch, well firstly because of the intriguing plot, secondy, my OTP Song Joong Ki and Park Bo Young. Started shipping these two, while watching fancam of them promoting the movie. I know this ship wont go real, but i cant help myself, they looked damn cute and comfortable with each other.

So while waiting for the show, as usual, we went to the arcade and played basketball. Hahah, our favourite hang-out place. Released stress playing one of the game where you hit the mole continuously when it appears...hit till my arm felt numb hahaha.

So....the movie was really good. I like the plot, i like how everything made sense. I love how its very warm and fluffy and funny and then its sad and heartbreaking...it's bittersweet. It's a movie where i can go watch for a second time. It's that kind of movie where you'll go "aaawwww", and then cry your eyes out later. The people behind me specifically the guy was irritating the world out of me, i wanted to kill him. he was whining and complaining, i bet he was forced to go with his girlfriends. He kept comparing it with twilight, saying it's the korean twilight, oh dear god no. It's more like edward scissorshand. But it the end he was crying his eyes out like a baby, sniffing non-stop, i was distracted and can't really "feel" it and cry properly lol.

It ended quite late, and all the shops are closing, so we ended the day with chewy junior~  A day well spent for me, started depressing yet quite productive and tears and laughter in the end.

Holidays are starting for me, hurrah!!~~~ but i still feel quite bleargh by the fact that i have to keep checking my website and do more changes for my major project. But....i shall enjoy till next monday at least hehe.

Im not always fond of taking the initiative to speak to someone first if i dont know them that well....so i always appreciate it when the other person starts the conversation. It's awkward for me to start talking when we dont even talk that much.....and if we dont know that well, and im always the one talking first, i have this feeling that im annoying you or something. So...it was really nice to be able to continue the conversation since you started it first. I felt more relieved hahah. It's just my personality...it'll take time for me to talk to someone so casually and not sound like an awkward turtle trying to start a conversation..So, thank you for yesterday..(:

"You seems to be more into nutrition, right..?".....well, spot on~!

I Still Survive~

Well hello blog....it's been more than a year since i last update you.

Let's see......this past year, time passed by like a flash and guess what, there's only approximately 3 more months before i graduate. YESSS graduate and get the hell out of TP hahah. Nahh, it's not like i hate TP, i just wanna get it over, get the freaking diploma.

I'm blessed to be able to do my internship in Adelaide last May, a dream that i've been trying to fulfil since year 1....i'm thankful to my parents, to the awesome and nice ppl there and of course my partner,Natassha. I wouldnt be having so much fun there if i went with someone else that's for sure. I had the time of my life there, it's an eye-opener and a great experience for me. And although im 100% sure i wont be going to study there any sooner, hahah....i hope i'll be back there to take my masters or something InsyaAllah :)

And back to present day.......things have been going uhmm quite well but not quite. I have no problems with classmates whatsoever....studies are quite okay too...major project aint that good but thank goodness for teammates.

I realised something about me....i've been more laidback than ever....it's like im just trying to enjoy this last semester without any regrets....hopefully. I may get stressed up once in a while, but then i'll just shake it off with some tumblr-ing or watching dramas. I'll just shrug it off...the things that make me upset or disappointed....it is a good thing, right? hahaha

And as always, there's not much drama in my life....zilch...... oh there is one, when friends decided to matchmake me with someone..but no i am not interested so.....that shouldnt count. We' ll see how my life might be interesting from now on~~

Long draggy post, see you next time~~~~~~

Today was a mixture of feelings..... well i expected it. Its results day but its also a day out with my clique....kinda torn haha

i knew this was gonna happen...i screwed up my CA..so i deserved it. But as a human..when i see my gpa dropped..my heart just..... I dont want to be a wet blanket so i tried real hard to not shed a tear. The feeling of keeping it all in,holding back those tears...it pains. It really hurt me..i felt my heart wrenching literally from time to time and feeling breatheless when it comes. The disappointment i had in myself.......i cant even express.

People tried to cheer me up and i appreciate it all...but somehow it made me more emotional. Luckily i managed to hold it in stopping those tears from falling,smiling and laughing to erase all those emotions. Im just disappointed in myself..nothing else. it kinda made it worse seeing all my other frens scoring so well......heh

4 more sems..i need to score MUCH better..but i know its gonna be a harder journey down the road...good luck to me.

reading back my blog posts..i realized how much i changed as a person...good or bad...im not sure about that.

Through this 2 whole sem of poly, i found a bunch of great frens and i found a new me. Im still quite introvert when im not close with someone..but instead of staying inside my shell now i speak up. Instead of waiting for people to approach me,i took the initiative first..whether or not i want to be recognized haha.

I hope i changed for the better...because i realized how selfish ive been all this while..how insensitive and ignorant i was. Ive met more people and know more characters...i used to live in this small circle of community. Im now more used to the big world...opening up more than i used to. It made me more mature in thinking and more open-minded.

At nearly 3am in the morning and the whole reflecting thingy im blabbing is because tmr is the D-day..results!1 and im damn scared....just typing to make me less anxious about it..but seems like butterflies in my stomach aint going away haha.

Its been so long since i blog....and truthfully i really have no time to blog...just that i kinda dont wanna type it out bcos some things are better left unsaid..haha

Honestly...this sem have been awful..its exhausting physically and mentally. Just that i try to live day by day as it is,smile and laugh to cover all those breakdowns.

I cried twice in sch and i hate myself for it...eventho people didnt know about it. I have this thing about keeping things to myself and i know too much of it aint good,haha...so during those times where im at the edge, tears just fall down..and up came the puffy eyes~~ hahahahaha

practically its just a stressful and bad sem...whoever said poly life is easy..i'll hack you up. The amount of pressure i faced everyday is just too outstanding. Doing quiz every single day and its counted..idek.

well i hope i could get a 3.0 for GPA at least....i cant afford lesser than that.

And i hate that everytime i blog its about poly life lol....

Imma study hard and score as good as i can for sem exam and score for it insyaAllah...:)

Back from the trip yesterday! Safely alhamdulillah. So the trip was uber short,haha. I need a week trip b4 im satisfied >.<.. This is gonna be along post~~

1st Day:

Set off the bus at 8am and off we goto the Egg

Tech Industry...basically thats the factory where all the eggs are manufactured into hard boiled eggs,pasteurised eggs and so forth..so food chem lolol.

After spending abt an hour there,we went to Tuas Checkpoint(stupid thumbprint wont work -_-) and off to johor checkpoint. Hadlunch arnd 1pm and it sucked bcos we were segregrated into muslims and non-muslims..i wanted to eat with all my classmates :(. Since its two group consisting of 80 people,they told us its hard to get a halal place where they can accomadate us. The food was so-so...and its not 8 course meal its 8 dishes meal lol.

After lunch back to our journey to sightseeing at malacca if im not wrong. We went to this place where all the old buildings are conserved and went a bit of a shopping. Luckily i found a mosque there,i was so happy you dont even know cos i was worried i cant find a place to pray. My classmates waited for me outside while i prayed,im thankful at how understanding they are:))heartss..

After 45mins there,we continued our journey to Shah Alam after dinner for a night stay at Concorde hotel. The hotel was super nice! we spent our night playing ugly dolls,watching tv and talking(loudly).

2nd Day:

We went to take pictures near KLCC there befor going to High5 bread town to know more abt the bread industry,went to Thai cuisine restaurant for lunch. We ate together!!! was so happy heheh. after lunch we went to Beryl's choc factory..it was fun but time does not permit and we were really out of itinerary but i managed to but a bottle of white choc for my fam:) After that we're off to cameron highlands!! It was a freaking long ride,slept all my way thru mostly. And did i mentioned,in the bus we watched Cinderella stepsisters lol and some movies. It was dark when we finally "climbing" up to cameron and the windy roads were not obvious so i didnt felt dizzy or watsoever. funny incident, both busses were halted bcos a senor wanted to pee..lol.

At last reached cameron arnd 1030pm and yay got internet!! we played cards and used my laptop. Me and tassha talked until 2+am haha. it was awesome:))

3rd Day:

After breakfast,we went to BOH tea plantation. We took a small "Bas Sekolah" lol it was so squeezy and the bus ride was bumpy as the roads are super narrow. We saw how tea bags are made and manufactured. Took some pics with the awesome scenery behind us. Bought tea bags~~

We went to cactus/flower farm? hhaha.yeah just took some pics since we cant bring cactus back to SG,bee farm too where we got pissed off by these bunch of itchy bitchy seniors who called us retards just because we shouted in fear of bees >:(. Strawberry farm next but it was a failure,there's no strawberries to pluck so we went to another strawberry farm but guess wat that one also,but at least we get to touch and bought some starwberries home. And so because w e got some time,we went to pasar malam at Tanah Rata. bought snacks and more strawberries. Prayed at Cameron Highland Mosque before heading off to eat dinner at KFC and back to hotel to rest.Last night in cameron and we went to lobby to play cards and use the free wifii>.<.. as usual talked with tassha b4 falling asleep^__^.

4th Day:

eating strawberry keke,the scenery from our hotel.
drying strawberries to bring back home

Time to leave cameron T.T..i was sad because its not enough,wanted moooreee. We set off the old reaally windy road back to muar to visit the mushroom farm. Slept all my way thru back to SG~~~

The trip was quite short,i miss cameron highlands already~~~had so much fun with the girls hehehe..now im in SG which means....do ur PROJECTS!!!.....siaaannnz

pics credit to natassha~~ :))

Heellloooo bloooogg!!!

Tmr i'll be leaving singapore fr a 4d3n trip to malaysia. This will be the first time i'll be going with some of my A2 classmates for a study trip. Pretty excited but i just hope everything goes out smoothly tmr and i go and come back safely :)

Will be going to the plantations and factories in cameron highland to study how the food industry works...i shall anticipate that hehe.

I'll be doing my project also during my stay there..hahah no choice okay or else i'll rush thru everything and it'll make me bonkers~~

So yeah,will be back thursday nite...till then~~ :))

Forever dead blog is reviving..lol

Term Tests OVEEERRRR.....i is officially a happy girl rite now i cant even..hahahahah.

altho i noe i screwed some of the papers..../dies. But...put that aside,im done with the "all-day study week". Seriously dread it. Its like i only had 4-5 hrs of sleep daily and sometimes even lesser. I can enjoy now and sleep~~

The year is coming to an end and i didnt even realise that..haha. I didnt improve much and yeah..quite disappointed in myself. No brooding over things...shall just continue with how i am and slowly improve myself:)

Going to malaysia trip next week,im quite excited but as u noe the higher the expectation the more disappointment >.<..

Hoping for the best~~